Journey & Answers.

2:00 AM

"How I wish to follow my heart, how I wish I only had a heart"

I had a chance before, I have a chance now.
I was timid before & I'm timid now.

I'm here in my room again, the same room I was in exactly 4 years, 5 months, 23 days back. Yes, I have counted the days just the way a prisoner does, for his freedom.

I'm a graduate now with a I20 for the US of A.
I could stay back, follow my heart and do the best I loved.
I didn't have the courage to follow my soul after my schooling, I still don't have it.

I'm a stranger to me,
I wanted to know me.

My parents always supported my interests, I never had it in me to follow them.

Aunty-ies, Uncles, neighbors : "bete, tum kab settle hone wale ho?"

What the bloody hell is settle hona! I never understood the concept.

I have decided to leave for an unknown place.

Dear Mom & dad,

I will be gone for.....I-don't-know-how-many-days. I wouldn't be carrying any contact with me. Don't try searching for me, I promise I will return.

I traveled the north-east, met many monks, tried under-water rafting, slept on platforms, smoked weed, ate food which I thought never existed. Basically tried things which I never tried before. After few months here I drove west.

I DROVE WEST TO THE MIGHTY DESERT.


No soul in sight,
no smell of flesh,
no car alarms,
I smelled the aroma of wind,
how did I feel?
I felt the touch of God.
I faced the harshness of heat,
sand in my eyes,
snakes in my boots,
kiss of Satan,
a perk from an angel,
How I felt?
I felt like a sand grain lost in the abyss of oblivion,
No water, nor food,
what thirst? what hunger?
I felt renaissance, A new me.

I felt I was walking on a never ending road, sometimes I felt I was circling a tiny heaven.
But never I stopped, for, my search needed an answer.

I saw a tiny hamlet,
soaking in the warmth of a mere,
I didn't walk towards it,
it walked towards me.

These towns in desert you know why they got here? People wanted to be away from somewhere else.

A centaur came and looked into my eye,
the mere depth in his eyes startled me, I was lost in it.
He directed me towards a distant cave,
I followed his way,
when I turned back to say good-bye, there was no one to say good-bye to.

I saw a wolf, who lives in the depths of the cave
"ahaa traveler, come and quench your eternal thirst"
he has invited me to drink the water,
not for my body for my soul it was,

he said invitingly oh voyager look into the cold nights, for, the darkest of the secrets have always been in the nights.

Curious I ran into the womb of the nights,
I shouted
where is God?
where is she?
she is my sister my mother and her husband,
where is she?

She was hiding in a creek, I wouldn't have seen, if not for her giggle,

I spoke to her endlessly,
I spoke of my doubts and priorities.
I walked in her company, drank the heady brew of our conversation,

She spoke few words which I would never forget:

'I'm as desperate to get into your shoes as you are desperate to get into mine'

With a word I left the place and returned home. I had my answers and my priorities right.


I have decided to accept the I20 from the university and postpone my passion to tomorrow.

TOMORROW AS IN PROMISE NOT AS AN EXCUSE.